The Batlle is Over and We WON!!!!

Date of entry: June 30, 2007
Author: Roxanne Cole

June 30th

Today is the day..... We are all done, after having removal of the port yesterday. and the night to
re cooperate from the surgery. Today the light at the end of the tunnel is shinning. We are still
in shock to a degree, because it is over. I feel like a race horse that has reached the finish line
in first place. I gave it everything I had to get to this point. Now that the end is here I feel the toll
the race has taken on me. I really do not believe I can honestly express all I have endured
during this. The survival mode instinct kicked in a while ago, this road, had many twist and
turns to it along the way. In the beginning I was very strong and as we hurdled one thing after
another, slowly it drained on me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am
truly exhausted, I knew a few months ago, I was losing my balance, but when you have 4
children going through this and trying to do what ever you can to pull them along, it is very hard,
never mind the fact that the girls are all teenagers, now. In time I am sure we will be able to
adjust. The funny thing about being on a roller coaster, is that when the ride stops, you can
reflect on the ride and when you do stop and you look back, you get to see all the twist and turns
you endured to get to the end the ride. Only when it stops do you get to really see and feel all
that you have experienced. How exhausting that is, I can only express. At times during this ride,
you can not even truly experience all there is as your going through some of the turns, at times it
has been unbearable, to see the pain that my children have felt, being a mother you feel it all.
The toll all this treatment has taken on my son through out this, is horrific. Feeling that and
trying to be strong for all them has been so debilitating. There was no ability for me to reach out
for all the things that I require to be healthy, knowing that this treatment rules your life, and after
a year of rolling with this I am truly tired. I am not yet at the point where I can look forward. Soon
I will be. As well as my son has done during this, never was there any safeness. Knowing that
the slightest infection could compromise his life, and as times goes by the effects of long term
exposure to these chemicals wear on his body, the body has a harder time healing and
managing, at that time it is so important to keep the mind as positive as you can[ time for him to
get back into life,,,, school,,,,] . Lucky me though my son bounced through it all. On Christmas
day, I lost my safeness, my son had tumor removal the previous month, he was 4 weeks out
from a very major surgery. No more tumors and no more cancer, I was relieved, Dr Healey told
me my sons body would be able to handle the effects of chemotherapy much better. Great I
thought, now all I have to do is 7 months of chemotherapy,,,, Smooth sailing right,,,, wrong...
When Zac developed a blood infection and was hospitalized on Christmas Eve, everything
came crashing down. It was crazy, we had hurdled the hardest part, right,,, nope. The next 24
hrs I watched my sons life teeter in front of me all because staff bacteria was introduced into his
blood stream [ a common bacteria found on everyone's skin] I then became more guarded than
before. 6 months more to go.. At that point being only 5 months into it, his body could not fight
the infection all that well, knowing how more and more chemotherapy, could compromise him,
was so overwhelming. Helpless.... I was from that point on... During the month of November
and December I received financial help, until I had been graced with several people who helped
me get to that point and the rest of the help I received, pulled me through till the end of May. At
that point I the order of support being lowered went into effect...   Double whammy..... I received
help once again from Woodside,, Which allowed me to keep my home, until now... Thanks
guys...

Unfortunately the toll this has taken on me on all levels. Has left me dumbfounded...   I was
always willing to do whatever it took to support my children, I worked jobs that I barely broke
even on till something better came along. I never stopped reaching for a better life, which
started with a nice safe home for my children, and was finally starting school. I had just
reached a point I had worked for,even though it took me 3 years. It is so funny how and when
things hit you.

I thought that today I would be so happy.... I have no strength though... As the end of treatment
came closer I had the financial stress weighing on me.....   If it only ended in April, the treatment,
I would of been fine. I am so financially devastated at this point. How this will pan out I have no
idea..

So,,, No more roller coaster rides....

I am now closing the door on that the battle that we have won... With all my heart I thank
everyone who has given to us...My sons battle has been won..   What our life will unfold to be, I
honestly can say the sky is the limit...
                  Roxanne Cole


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